It's time for a change.

I'm tired of feeling sorry for myself

I need to loose weight!
I keep saying this, yet I do nothing about it.
Or I try, but I can't seem to stay on track.

I need to:

• Get enough sleep at night.
• Eat Breakfast
• Stop snacking on junk food so much
• Limit Salt, Sugar, and Fried foods from my diet
• 30 minutes walking 3 days a week
• Avoid microwave; cook everything fresh

I have motivation, and I know that I can do it.
I just need to stay on track and believe in myself.

Well, it starts now.
 

Remember that friend that I talked about that I feel like I'm drifting away from?

It's confirmed
We aren't friends anymore

I mean, it's not as if we don't talk. I share 2 classes with that person. We still talk. Rarely.
But I know now, deep down in my heart that the friendship we once had is over.
It's sad. Seeing another person take the place of you.

I feel so far away from all of my friends. Right now, I feel like I have no friends. It's just not the same as it was last year.

Nobody knows how lonely I feel now. The sad part is that I have nobody to share this with except this blog that nobody reads.

I'm crying right now and my eyes will be puffy in the morning. But why should I care?

I want to graduate high school already

It feels like this pain will never stop

Drifting...

I never had a best friend.

I'm jealous of those super tight friendships where two people can share everything.


I once had a person I could have called a best friend. Now, that person has other friends that have much more common interests. I'm no longer that important.


Now, I find myself talking to people I've never been close to. It's weird, because I never thought I'd be close with these people, but here I am.


Drifting apart. It's painful because you can see it. You can see that the other person no longer thinks of you in the same way you do. I's life, I guess.

Maybe one day, I'll have a best friend.

But for now, I'm just alone.

カタオモイ

My smile

Is nothing compared to her’s

My laugh

Is nothing compared to her’s

Even If I take

Just an extra minute

On my hair

Every Morning

You never notice

My plain, dull, boring

Ugly self

Can never compare to her’s

I can understand why you like her

She’s pretty

Lovable

Popular

How can I compare

To any of that?

Two Decembers pass

And I still think about you

When I see you in the hallway

With her, I hold it in

I try not to feel upset

I try not to stare

I don’t cry

Even though I’m nothing to you

I’m invisible to you

You don’t even know my name

It’s painful

It hurts

But I don’t have the courage

To say anything

So I sit and watch you

And her

Painfully

Without a sound

12/12/11

In my freshman year of high school, I was so laid back.
I took mainly all honors classes, yet they were all kind of easy and I didn't study much.
I got honor roll all four marking periods.
This was the life.

In my Sophomore year of college, it got a little more tougher.
This was year that the horrid proficency policy was introduced.
Our tests were worth 85% of our grade. Our homework and classwork was worth 15%, useless basically.
I only got honor roll once that semester.

Fast forward to now, my junior year, and I'm about ready to break apart into tiny pieces from the stress.
This is my first year taking AP classes. I knew I'd be hard, but not this hard.
In AP US History, I only managed to get a 81%.
Compare that to my world history honors class in my sophomore year where I got A's and nigh B's the whole year. Huge difference.
I guess I'm not studying enough. I always score high 60's and low 70's on my tests. It sucks.

I'm also taking AP lang.
I was never bad in english. I was just average you know, high-middle B's, sometimes A's.
But in AP lang this year, I've been failing all of my tests and I have to redo them.Then I fail the redo and have to redo my redo.
I squeezed 90 out of the class, surprisingly.
I'm so stressed out in these two classes. I have D's in both right now.

Another thing that is stressing me out is college.
I don't know what to do in college. I like to draw, write, read, and learn Japanese.
If I do major in Japanese, what job will that give me?
I spend my lunch hours researching because I still don't know.

Also, my senior year.
In my senior year, the only classes I need to take is AP lit. I'm taking Chinese II as well. But that's only 2 classes out of the 8 I need. I already have all of my credits, I don't want to waste my senior year taking all of these filler classes. I want a free period to myself or something where I can sit quietly somewhere and study Japanese or draw. But my stupid school doesn't have study hall's or anything as an option. I could study abroad, but my mom won't let me.

Another thing is SAT's.
I suck at them. I'm so stupid, I can't do anything right. That's why I fail at everything.
I don't them. Showing that you know a boatload of vocabulary that the regular English world doesn't even use means you're smart enough for college? How does that logic work?
My mom says "Oh, your grades are good, you'll get into a good college"
That's partly true. My lowest GPA ever has been 3.10, my highest, which was this semester was 3.93.
But colleges don't just look at your grades, they take SAT's into consideration too. And I know I suck at them. I so scared to take them. If I fail, I'll be wasting my mother's money...

Weight is another thing I'm stressing about.
I want to be skinnier and healthier for a lot of reasons, but it's hard.
My mom bought me an ipod touch and I downloaded two apps.
App one helps me keep track of my route, speed, and how many miles I travel when I walk/run.
App two helps me keep track of how many calories, fat, sodium, sugar, etc I eat in a day and tells me how much I should eat a day based on my height and weight. I tell the app what I ate/drank that day and It adds to the calories. I have to walk/run/jog for 30 minutes 3 times a week.
Today, I went out and I felt good after coming back in.
If I keep this up, my app tells me that I will lose 10 pounds by January 16.

Along with weight, beauty is another thing I worry about.
I know I'm ugly and unattractive. I'm not even exaggerating.
I guess If I had better hair, I'd be a little bit more pretty, but I don't.
I see all of these girls with cute outfits, perfect hair every day in the hall. Compared to them, I feel like dirt. I see all of these couples in the hallway. All of them seem so happy.
I'm still forever alone.
This world is cruel. We all (me included sometimes) rely on outward appearances to judge people, and that's sad. Honestly, when you begin to like somebody, unless you've talked to them, or seen their personality, you've really only fallen in love with how they look.
Because I'm fat, I think I tend to judge people on their personalities, and not how they look.
I always have a crush on some really good looking person. But in reality, I just liked their looks and not the real them. I won't make that mistake any loner.

There's much more stuff that I struggle with. It's too personal to even write here on my personal blog, tell my friends, or family.

I don't have a best friend. But there's people that I can consider really close friends. But they already have other really close friends, I'm not sure I fit into the picture...

Almost everyday, I come home and cry...
because of grades
because of college
because of my senior year
because of SAT's
because of my weight
because I'm ugly

My eyes sting from crying so much.
The tears run down my cheeks and I taste the saltiness in my mouth.
In the morning, I apply hot and cold water to bring the puffiness down to normal.

College College College

I not even halfway through my junior year, but these past couple of months, I really have been thinking intently about what I want to do in the future and what college I want to go to. I've been talking with my mom a lot, and she's been helping me choose, which I am so thankful for.

I hate math.
I'm not really talented in art, but I love it.
I'm indifferent about science and social studies.
government/law seems so boring to me.
I love English, but I'm just average in it.
My whole family works with computers. My dad, my mom, even my sister is majoring in computer science. I want to be different. I don't want to major in that.

These are just the basics. There are so many degrees out there, so many things to major and minor in, yet I can't even pick one.

But what I do know is that I want to minor in Japanese. And Anime and Manga is the portal that brought me into the world of it.

If in sixth grade, I hadn't asked the girl in front of me what she was reading, where I could buy it, and then proceed to go to the bookstore and buy one myself because it looked interesting, I wouldn't have gotten into manga, or anime, or Japan. I wouldn't have the same friends I do now. I could have turned into a person who was passionate about Spanish, or Science, or even Math.

Anime and manga is like steps.
I've experienced it, I loved it, I still like it, but it's time to move on up the steps.
I still like it, of course; after all, I draw in the style and still occasionally read a select few manga.
But I'm definitely not obsessed anymore.

My friends (most of them) have also moved out of the whole anime and manga stage.
Lots of my friends love the Korean Culture. Kpop, you know, that stuff.
They're not in anime club anymore.
Anime and manga is rarely brought up in conversation.
We've all moved on to a less obsessive state.

And I've realized that I'm pretty much the only person who's still  interested in the language, history, culture, and pop culture after we all got over that obsessive state. I mean, i don't see anybody else pulling out their 2,000 kanji book to study. I guess it isn't one of their passions.

But I'm embarrassed, terrified even of people thinking of me as a weaboo. I still draw in the style we were all once so obsessed over.
I'm so scared to pull out my Japanese study books at lunch when I have nothing better to do...

I wish I could be like S.
S rides my bus, she's a senior.
During the international culture fair, I was running the Chinese booth with her and was surprised to see that she loved Japanese too. She "Fell in love with the language " those were her exact words to me. She took 2 years of it in high school. She took French, Spanish, and is taking Chinese now. Amazing.
What's even more amazing is that she didn't get into the language through anime and manga.

I wish I didn't get into Japanese by anime and manga. It would make my life a whole lot easier.
But then again, I have to be grateful for it.
It's a love hate situation I guess.

Back to the whole college thing, Georgetown was suggested by my mother.
They have an excellent Japanese program.
They even have sister universities in Japan where students are required to study abroad for a year or semester.
Georgetown is also Christian/Catholic. I don't have a problem with that, since that is my religion.
But I'm still searching.

I really want to stay in my state!
I still have a little less than a year to decide.


I really want to study abroad my senior year though, but my mom already shooted down the idea.
In my senior year, I have only 1 English credit to take (AP Lit) and then all of my credits are done.
Why spend my whole senior year taking dumb filler classes when I could be doing something better with my time?

I may not even like Japan.It may not even be what it seems in my head. Isn't it better to go and see If I like than to minor in it and hate it later?
If money's the problem, than I won't go!
Is my mom worried or something?




I'm so jealous of those parents who make their children study abroad and the children complain.
They don't know how lucky they are!

11/1/11

It's November already, I can't believe it... time flies by so fast; it still feels like it was my first day of school, back in August. My sister's birthday is tommorow. Mine is on the 20th, and I'm excited!
This year, I don't want to ask for anything too expensive because the economy is bad. My family isn't suffering financially, but I feel so guilty if I get a new i-pod, or laptop for my birthday and Christmas when there are people out there that get nothing. it makes so sad and appreciative of the life that I have.

I want a harvest moon game because it seems like I play my DS less and less these days; that's because I don't have that many interesting games to play.
 I want some art supplies too. Mainly background books and refills for my copic markers.

I also bookmarked a lot of study books! I've gotten to the point where I can read hiragana, katakana, some kanji, and I know a ton of phrases and vocabulary. But... it feels like I'm not going anywhere with this. So I'm going to continue studying. I have a total of four books I want to get on:

• Paticles: this book will show me how particles work,a nd how I can make sentences
• Kanji: this book has 2,000 kanji in it for me to study
• Sentences: along with knowing which paticles to use, I need to know how to correctly write a sentence with corrcet grammer. This book will help
• Sentence patterns: You know how you always say "Eat you dinner" instead of "Consume your dinner"? well, In Japanese, even though several words have several meanings, there are some phrases and sentences that just go together. This book teach me that.

This will further my studies.

I was so excited about going to Japan with my school next year over the summer.
But I heard that the cost is $3,000!!!
O___________O

I knew it would be expensive, but I was hoping it would be in the hundreds.
Guess not.
They said we'd fundraise, but my mom NEVER does fundraising, so that's not going to help me.
I guess I can't go, which saddens me D:

School is an annoying fly in my ear.
Math is, of course, hard as always. I managed to get a C out of the class though.

APUSH is fun but at the same time stressful. I got a B out of the class. I think I could get an A if I read every night like I'm supposed to.

APlang is kind of easy, it's just the essays that we have to write and analyze is tedious work.