Senior year...

It's been a while since I wrote anything... Not like anyone reads these posts anyway...

But I'm now a senior!
I'm so happy! Only a few more months, and then I can be separated from these idiots.

I know I said that junior year was stressful, but senior year is even more stressful than anything can ever be. I'm taking 3 AP classes, and they're a lot of work. I have to fill out college and scholarship applications... I'm so busy, I don't even have any free time to read books, or even go on the Internet much...

But another important thing is that I think I have some form of depression...
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I never thought that I could be depressed. I mean seriously depressed.
I just thought that stress, and anxiety was normal for a teenager. But now I'm seriously considering If I have some sort of depression.

I find that I'm never truly happy
I'm stressed 24/7 even over little things
I have low self esteem and confidence
I worry about my weight and appearance
I never want to do anything anymore (go to the mall, etc) because I hate seeing all of the pretty girls and couples looking gorgeous in their cute outfits and being happy. while I look like a whale

I also seem to have a crush on someone...
He was in two if my classes last year. I've always admired him and watched him. But I just recently realized that what I feel towards him Is "like"

I "liked" another boy in my grade last year as well. That poem "カタオモイ" was referring to him. Except... I never even really liked him, I just liked his looks. If you asked me why I liked him, it would take me a while to come up with an answer... But the person I like now... I can immediately come up with things.
I'm pretty sure that this is the first time that I have liked somebody properly.

But too bad that I am fat.
If I was cute, I could talk to him properly, and ask him out, because any guy who get's asked out by a pretty girl is going to be happy, even If he doesn't like her.

But If I asked him out, I think I'd get laughed at... Even though he's not that kind of person.
I can't even talk to him without my cheeks getting hot... I'm too afraid to even add him on Facebook.

So I'll continue to watch from afar, even though it's painful. He talks to another girl in the class who I really admire...
It hurts....
But what can I do?
After graduation, we'll go our separate ways, and that will be that.

Maybe if I had a fun personality, I'd stand a chance... But nope. I'm more boring than a white wall.

I'm so sleepy...
Lately all I do is take naps and cry

Why can't I just quit school and leave this country?

I want to travel and think about life on a quiet mountain somewhere in Europe.

Alone...

I thought that when Summer came, I would be happy everyday. I wouldn't have to go to school anymore, I wouldn't have to get up early, or spend 40 minutes trying to find something decent to wear.

But oh no, somehow I'm still not happy.
Despite all of the free time I have, I'm more miserable than before.

 It seems everybody else is having a fantastic summer.

A former classmate is in Hawaii, spending her time there before college.
Another friend of mine is in California on vacation.
Another friend of mine is also in California, and her friend that she's been friends with for a while and her are now going out.

But me?

I sit around all day and eat, take naps, maybe even draw. My butt is practically superglued to the chair is front of my computer. I'm not doing anything.

How pathetic am I?


Sitting here, watching Korean dramas all day.

I see all of these pictures on Facebook of people going to the movies, and hanging out.

But nobody has called or text me.
Nobody has sent a message to me through Facebook or Tumblr.

I don't blame them. I'm so boring. I'm not really a fun person to hang out with.

I'm just so jealous, and envious.

Everybody is having fun, making the best out of their Summer. And what am I doing?

I guess I have no real friends who'd want to actually hang out with me... I have no boyfriend, and probably never will... My sister works most of the time... My mother too.
My mothers work schedule combined with her exercise and yogas classes makes it hard for me to go anywhere.

If only a cool person would move in next door.
We's become best friends.
I'd be able to have so much fun, and I wouldn't be so lonely...

But of course, that's impossible, because life doesn't work that way.

I'm just alone, in the house most of time.
Cleaning keeps me busy...
But It can't hide the fact that I'm lonely.

When will I be happy again...?

It's time for a change.

I'm tired of feeling sorry for myself

I need to loose weight!
I keep saying this, yet I do nothing about it.
Or I try, but I can't seem to stay on track.

I need to:

• Get enough sleep at night.
• Eat Breakfast
• Stop snacking on junk food so much
• Limit Salt, Sugar, and Fried foods from my diet
• 30 minutes walking 3 days a week
• Avoid microwave; cook everything fresh

I have motivation, and I know that I can do it.
I just need to stay on track and believe in myself.

Well, it starts now.
 

Remember that friend that I talked about that I feel like I'm drifting away from?

It's confirmed
We aren't friends anymore

I mean, it's not as if we don't talk. I share 2 classes with that person. We still talk. Rarely.
But I know now, deep down in my heart that the friendship we once had is over.
It's sad. Seeing another person take the place of you.

I feel so far away from all of my friends. Right now, I feel like I have no friends. It's just not the same as it was last year.

Nobody knows how lonely I feel now. The sad part is that I have nobody to share this with except this blog that nobody reads.

I'm crying right now and my eyes will be puffy in the morning. But why should I care?

I want to graduate high school already

It feels like this pain will never stop

Drifting...

I never had a best friend.

I'm jealous of those super tight friendships where two people can share everything.


I once had a person I could have called a best friend. Now, that person has other friends that have much more common interests. I'm no longer that important.


Now, I find myself talking to people I've never been close to. It's weird, because I never thought I'd be close with these people, but here I am.


Drifting apart. It's painful because you can see it. You can see that the other person no longer thinks of you in the same way you do. I's life, I guess.

Maybe one day, I'll have a best friend.

But for now, I'm just alone.

カタオモイ

My smile

Is nothing compared to her’s

My laugh

Is nothing compared to her’s

Even If I take

Just an extra minute

On my hair

Every Morning

You never notice

My plain, dull, boring

Ugly self

Can never compare to her’s

I can understand why you like her

She’s pretty

Lovable

Popular

How can I compare

To any of that?

Two Decembers pass

And I still think about you

When I see you in the hallway

With her, I hold it in

I try not to feel upset

I try not to stare

I don’t cry

Even though I’m nothing to you

I’m invisible to you

You don’t even know my name

It’s painful

It hurts

But I don’t have the courage

To say anything

So I sit and watch you

And her

Painfully

Without a sound

12/12/11

In my freshman year of high school, I was so laid back.
I took mainly all honors classes, yet they were all kind of easy and I didn't study much.
I got honor roll all four marking periods.
This was the life.

In my Sophomore year of college, it got a little more tougher.
This was year that the horrid proficency policy was introduced.
Our tests were worth 85% of our grade. Our homework and classwork was worth 15%, useless basically.
I only got honor roll once that semester.

Fast forward to now, my junior year, and I'm about ready to break apart into tiny pieces from the stress.
This is my first year taking AP classes. I knew I'd be hard, but not this hard.
In AP US History, I only managed to get a 81%.
Compare that to my world history honors class in my sophomore year where I got A's and nigh B's the whole year. Huge difference.
I guess I'm not studying enough. I always score high 60's and low 70's on my tests. It sucks.

I'm also taking AP lang.
I was never bad in english. I was just average you know, high-middle B's, sometimes A's.
But in AP lang this year, I've been failing all of my tests and I have to redo them.Then I fail the redo and have to redo my redo.
I squeezed 90 out of the class, surprisingly.
I'm so stressed out in these two classes. I have D's in both right now.

Another thing that is stressing me out is college.
I don't know what to do in college. I like to draw, write, read, and learn Japanese.
If I do major in Japanese, what job will that give me?
I spend my lunch hours researching because I still don't know.

Also, my senior year.
In my senior year, the only classes I need to take is AP lit. I'm taking Chinese II as well. But that's only 2 classes out of the 8 I need. I already have all of my credits, I don't want to waste my senior year taking all of these filler classes. I want a free period to myself or something where I can sit quietly somewhere and study Japanese or draw. But my stupid school doesn't have study hall's or anything as an option. I could study abroad, but my mom won't let me.

Another thing is SAT's.
I suck at them. I'm so stupid, I can't do anything right. That's why I fail at everything.
I don't them. Showing that you know a boatload of vocabulary that the regular English world doesn't even use means you're smart enough for college? How does that logic work?
My mom says "Oh, your grades are good, you'll get into a good college"
That's partly true. My lowest GPA ever has been 3.10, my highest, which was this semester was 3.93.
But colleges don't just look at your grades, they take SAT's into consideration too. And I know I suck at them. I so scared to take them. If I fail, I'll be wasting my mother's money...

Weight is another thing I'm stressing about.
I want to be skinnier and healthier for a lot of reasons, but it's hard.
My mom bought me an ipod touch and I downloaded two apps.
App one helps me keep track of my route, speed, and how many miles I travel when I walk/run.
App two helps me keep track of how many calories, fat, sodium, sugar, etc I eat in a day and tells me how much I should eat a day based on my height and weight. I tell the app what I ate/drank that day and It adds to the calories. I have to walk/run/jog for 30 minutes 3 times a week.
Today, I went out and I felt good after coming back in.
If I keep this up, my app tells me that I will lose 10 pounds by January 16.

Along with weight, beauty is another thing I worry about.
I know I'm ugly and unattractive. I'm not even exaggerating.
I guess If I had better hair, I'd be a little bit more pretty, but I don't.
I see all of these girls with cute outfits, perfect hair every day in the hall. Compared to them, I feel like dirt. I see all of these couples in the hallway. All of them seem so happy.
I'm still forever alone.
This world is cruel. We all (me included sometimes) rely on outward appearances to judge people, and that's sad. Honestly, when you begin to like somebody, unless you've talked to them, or seen their personality, you've really only fallen in love with how they look.
Because I'm fat, I think I tend to judge people on their personalities, and not how they look.
I always have a crush on some really good looking person. But in reality, I just liked their looks and not the real them. I won't make that mistake any loner.

There's much more stuff that I struggle with. It's too personal to even write here on my personal blog, tell my friends, or family.

I don't have a best friend. But there's people that I can consider really close friends. But they already have other really close friends, I'm not sure I fit into the picture...

Almost everyday, I come home and cry...
because of grades
because of college
because of my senior year
because of SAT's
because of my weight
because I'm ugly

My eyes sting from crying so much.
The tears run down my cheeks and I taste the saltiness in my mouth.
In the morning, I apply hot and cold water to bring the puffiness down to normal.