In my freshman year of high school, I was so laid back.
I took mainly all honors classes, yet they were all kind of easy and I didn't study much.
I got honor roll all four marking periods.
This was the life.
In my Sophomore year of college, it got a little more tougher.
This was year that the horrid proficency policy was introduced.
Our tests were worth 85% of our grade. Our homework and classwork was worth 15%, useless basically.
I only got honor roll once that semester.
Fast forward to now, my junior year, and I'm about ready to break apart into tiny pieces from the stress.
This is my first year taking AP classes. I knew I'd be hard, but not this hard.
In AP US History, I only managed to get a 81%.
Compare that to my world history honors class in my sophomore year where I got A's and nigh B's the whole year. Huge difference.
I guess I'm not studying enough. I always score high 60's and low 70's on my tests. It sucks.
I'm also taking AP lang.
I was never bad in english. I was just average you know, high-middle B's, sometimes A's.
But in AP lang this year, I've been failing all of my tests and I have to redo them.Then I fail the redo and have to redo my redo.
I squeezed 90 out of the class, surprisingly.
I'm so stressed out in these two classes. I have D's in both right now.
Another thing that is stressing me out is college.
I don't know what to do in college. I like to draw, write, read, and learn Japanese.
If I do major in Japanese, what job will that give me?
I spend my lunch hours researching because I still don't know.
Also, my senior year.
In my senior year, the only classes I need to take is AP lit. I'm taking Chinese II as well. But that's only 2 classes out of the 8 I need. I already have all of my credits, I don't want to waste my senior year taking all of these filler classes. I want a free period to myself or something where I can sit quietly somewhere and study Japanese or draw. But my stupid school doesn't have study hall's or anything as an option. I could study abroad, but my mom won't let me.
Another thing is SAT's.
I suck at them. I'm so stupid, I can't do anything right. That's why I fail at everything.
I don't them. Showing that you know a boatload of vocabulary that the regular English world doesn't even use means you're smart enough for college? How does that logic work?
My mom says "Oh, your grades are good, you'll get into a good college"
That's partly true. My lowest GPA ever has been 3.10, my highest, which was this semester was 3.93.
But colleges don't just look at your grades, they take SAT's into consideration too. And I know I suck at them. I so scared to take them. If I fail, I'll be wasting my mother's money...
Weight is another thing I'm stressing about.
I want to be skinnier and healthier for a lot of reasons, but it's hard.
My mom bought me an ipod touch and I downloaded two apps.
App one helps me keep track of my route, speed, and how many miles I travel when I walk/run.
App two helps me keep track of how many calories, fat, sodium, sugar, etc I eat in a day and tells me how much I should eat a day based on my height and weight. I tell the app what I ate/drank that day and It adds to the calories. I have to walk/run/jog for 30 minutes 3 times a week.
Today, I went out and I felt good after coming back in.
If I keep this up, my app tells me that I will lose 10 pounds by January 16.
Along with weight, beauty is another thing I worry about.
I know I'm ugly and unattractive. I'm not even exaggerating.
I guess If I had better hair, I'd be a little bit more pretty, but I don't.
I see all of these girls with cute outfits, perfect hair every day in the hall. Compared to them, I feel like dirt. I see all of these couples in the hallway. All of them seem so happy.
I'm still forever alone.
This world is cruel. We all (me included sometimes) rely on outward appearances to judge people, and that's sad. Honestly, when you begin to like somebody, unless you've talked to them, or seen their personality, you've really only fallen in love with how they look.
Because I'm fat, I think I tend to judge people on their personalities, and not how they look.
I always have a crush on some really good looking person. But in reality, I just liked their looks and not the real them. I won't make that mistake any loner.
There's much more stuff that I struggle with. It's too personal to even write here on my personal blog, tell my friends, or family.
I don't have a best friend. But there's people that I can consider really close friends. But they already have other really close friends, I'm not sure I fit into the picture...
Almost everyday, I come home and cry...
because of grades
because of college
because of my senior year
because of SAT's
because of my weight
because I'm ugly
My eyes sting from crying so much.
The tears run down my cheeks and I taste the saltiness in my mouth.
In the morning, I apply hot and cold water to bring the puffiness down to normal.
